The Cartographer's Confession
#I have been drawing maps of a country I've never visited.
Every morning at four, before the light has any opinion about the world, I sit at my desk and ink the rivers. They fork like questions. They merge like the conversations of old friends who finish each other's silences.
I name the mountains after feelings I can't translate — there's one called the ache when someone almost remembers you, and another called the sound a house makes after everyone leaves. The tallest peak I've labeled simply Tuesday, because some burdens are that ordinary.
The coastline gives me trouble. It keeps changing. I sketch it in pencil now, having learned that the border between what we know and what we don't is not a thing you commit to in ink.
There is a forest in the northeast where the trees grow downward into the sky. I didn't plan this. The pen moved and there they were — roots clutching clouds, leaves brushing the earth like brooms sweeping away the old year. I've learned not to argue with the pen.
A city sits at the map's center. Its streets are concentric circles, which means every road leads you back to where you started, which means you can never be lost, which means you are always lost. I've drawn tiny figures in the plaza. They are waving, though I cannot tell if they are greeting someone or saying goodbye. Perhaps, from a sufficient distance, there is no difference.
My colleagues ask who commissioned this map. No one, I say.
They ask what it's a map of.
I tell them I'll know when it's finished.
They ask when it will be finished.
I sharpen my pencil. I dip my pen.
The coastline has changed again overnight.